Become a follower, I am getting a new webcam and when it comes my blog enteries will be video:)
Does anyone know what is black, white and red all over???
the newspaper... yea took me forever to figure out that joke.
often I do things that I think are a great idea and then later it turns out to bite me in the bum. For example...
I am trying to keep my apartment as clean as I can get it. So I got a nice area rug. I got a black one thinking, if anything spilled and left a light stain well no one would notice. But sadly every thing shows up, every spec of dirt.
Or I asked to get an outlet fixed in my livingroom, somehow they fixed it yay. But doing that, made two other very important outlets in my livingroom not work.
Tonight I am making a wonderful dinner that I need to google how to make perfect and then get anything I might need later at the store. I don't cook very much. Sadly I have learned there is a difference between cooking and getting something on the plate as fast as possible. If I had time I would get a cook book and really start cooking. I want to learn to love cooking. I want to learn to love to do it on a time schedual.. So that is on my to do list.
I just re read some old posts I have on here and sadly they were very sad to read. You can see I wasn't happy. They were dripping with depression.
I have been single now almost two months. For those that do not know Robert and I never offically got married. We did have a wedding and were supposed to do the real deal. Some minor complications made ti so it never really happened. I cnanot tell you how much God has stepped into my life. He knew, he knew this wasn't going to work out. While the whole time I kept thinking this was the worst. Why was this happening, when was he going to marry me? When was I going to be good enough?
One day I meant what I said, Robert this is not going to work out. I am not happy. For the first time I stood up for me. I stood up for my kids. He was gone the next day. I love being "single" I love just having me and my kids. Answering to no one. Going to bed in the middle and laying there thinking.. Tonight, no one is going to hog my blankets. I have had a few rough nights, nights I lay there wishing I was being held, nights I wish I had someone to cuddle while watching a movie. I have my kids yes, but there are some things kids cannot provide.
Every night I clean my house. Every day with in a couple hours, it looks messy. At first it was hard for em to handle, cleaning over and over all day. I hated it. Now... I think, I just need to enjoy them, enjoy my time, and clean when they are in bed. That is what I am going to do. Clean at night when time is quiet and I start to think to much. Staying busy has always proved best.
My business is going good and bad. I don't have time for my website, but at the same time, I make ten times more sales on my facebook fan page then I do on my website. I am thinking about closing down my website. I pay for something that isn't doing well, it only seems like the right thing to do. I will sleep a little while on that.
So two of my kids are in school and it seems to be going well but I tell ya seeing them in school is so weird to me, like time is going faster then I can handle. I keep having small flash backs to when they were really little and wanting to hold them and hear them laugh and smell their baby soft skin. I know I am not alone I know some moms do this too, so I am not feeling abnormal just wishing sometthings would pass while others slowed down. Like I would love to be out of the diaper stage, but keep the they still need me and want to cuddle stage.
Since having my youngest son, I have done nothing special, I did have a major surgery to remove my uterus. I thought I had this cancer thing beat but it snuck back in and so we did what we could and I am healing very well and have seen the last of this ulgy health problem. I have had so many family and friends carrying me through this, if I didn't I would have been lost.
At once point I got a card in the mail, I tell ya those small moments mean the most. I got a bear and balloon when I was in the hospital. I got many phone calls, prayers, and best wishes. Boy was I blessed.
Right now this stage in my life I call not sweating the small stuff. Life is to short, and I don't want to miss any of it.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
my one sexy boot.
So I am going out this next friday and I got a great great deal on awesome boots. I never have been able to get boots like this because my calves are a bit bigger then most people and so this style was never for me, until yesterday a pair fit. And I looked sooooo good. I live two hours away from where I bought them. When I got home I realized I had two left boots. So I have to run there before my night out Friday and get the right one. But here is me, in my one boot. Sexy???
Friday, December 4, 2009
BIG NEWS
We are moving. Come this March we are moving to Alaska. For so many reasons. I have a job offer that I can't pass up one it is taking care of my mom who deserves to have her kids take care of her, and two I can bring my kids with me and it is good money. We have wanted to move and this is what we are really looking forward to. So all you Spokanites I would love to visit with you before we go. Also we are still having Lily's Bday at Chuck E cheese so dont' forget. HUGE to all and just in case you couldn't tell. I AM EXCITED!!!!
Monday, November 30, 2009
year end review
So we Started out 2008 with many hopes and some dreams. First we lived in Rathdrum in a three bedroom apartment. Winter had no end in site but the kids loved it. I was about four months pregnant. The ultra sound tech said she was very sure we where having a little girl. I love my daughters very much and my moment of disappointment of not having a brother for Owen was short lived. We had a name for her and everything. Emmalee Allison was going to be her name. I went in for my 20 week ultra sound and found out our little girl was in fact a little boy. I have to admit I cried. Even though a boy is what I had originally wanted. I just felt this weird loss. I spent the day being a little sad but I said lets hurry up and name this little fella so I can start bonding with my son. At first he was going to be Robert Issac. Then we just kept talking and before we knew it we had a name. Robert Aaron Shane Pattock Jr.
We then had to move and although it wasn't something that we wanted to do, we held our heads high and moved from Rathdrum to Priest River. The house was tiny and no where near as big as we needed but it was home and we have worked hard to make in conferable for us. It is a two bedroom old milk house with a HUGE barn in the back.
In May time came to a stand still, as most pregnancies do. By this point, I was ginormous. I was in a lot of pain all the time. For the first time ever one of my feet swelled up like I broke it or something. Pregnancy is so weird. I couldn't fit in any of my shoes, I was grumpy in every way. I wanted to talk to no one and all I wanted was this baby out of me. So my doctor and I planned an induction date for many reasons. June 4th I walked in thanking God that this would be my last day ever pregnant. I was given two doses of meds in my cervix, did a lot of walking was very very very slowly dilating. The baby was not dropping down. I was so mad. They gave me pitocin full blown and contractions where coming like crazy. I was sooooo ready for this baby. In my mind I never thought my doctor would send me home. However that is what he did. Sent me home in full blown labor. Said if my water broke to come back. I was beyond upset. I called what was now the next day a few hours after leaving the hospital. I said when am I to come back? I can't even breath. I gathered all my strength to walk up and down the block and down water to get this baby to drop. The doctor said lets try one more time. So I came in Sunday. Now keep in mind I have been in labor since 9am Friday morning. So I was walking and doing squats, and all sorts of things. with full blown pitocin and between 4 and 5 cm. No meds at this point. The doc comes in to check me and I was having a contraction at the time he checked, so he said hand me the hook, I never thought I would love hearing those words. Now there was no sending me home. Two hours later we welcomed Robert Aaron Shane Pattock Jr. We call him Shane. The next morning I got my tubes tied. I got to have the four babies I wanted and was ready for the next phases of my life.
My recovery was harsh for the first couple of days but I am doing great now. Robert got a job at Lite house and that was a good deal for him. He has been there nearly 6 months now. He started the day Shane was born. He loves it there. He is always bringing home apply cider and different dressings.
We repainted the kitchen. We didn't have a big budget but I couldn't stand the green anymore. So we kinda gave it a face lift. I totally love it now. We rearranged some rooms and made things more livable for us here.
So as some of you know I have been struggling with cervical cancer cells, and having cryo surgeries and finally it became a real lesson in my life to value what I have. I was very uneducated as to what cervical cancer meant. I tell ya when the doc says you have ......cancer......all I heard was I might die. What I didn't know was that it was easily treated, and if I kept up on my medicine I would be ok. I am "ok" I don't have any more mass which is great. There has not been anymore growth right now. My meds make like a little weird sometimes. I get really tired, I get really forgetful, sometimes I even feel sick to my stomach. Those days are few but I still get them. However it feels good to say I beat cervical cancer.
So Robert started college and a lot of people are upset that I help him, but we all do what we have to do. I am proud of him. We are going to get a laptop for him this next coming months and we talked about him really doing this on his own.
So lets see run down of the kids.
Shane is a big boy and I totally love him to pieces he just got done breast feeding. I fed him the longest and it was a great go. Nearly 6 months. He is a very happy baby but do not make him wait to eat. He FINALLY gets the hang of eating baby food. He loves teething biscuits. When he is hungry he will scream his head off. Any other time he is a happy go lucky love bug.
Owen was tested for Autism and Aspergers (sp). I just wanted to make sure we have all that we need knocked out of the way. Owen has some issues and I want to help him in anyway I can. His first official day of preschool is on his 3rd Birthday. Just so happens that is their first day of school. So he will go two days a week. He is excited and I have to admit so am I. When he had his assessment for the autism screening he made me so proud he was focused the whole time. He amazed me how smart he is. Stuff he knew was amazing. Those who know my son know he doesn't talk much. So it was a great proud mommy moment for me.
Morgan has started to display on a smaller level some of Owen's issues so I have a home teacher coming to work with her and Robert and I. She is a little fire cracker and full of attitude. She has been to doing this weird thing every night. She stands next to me and wile I cook dinner and wants it NOW! She even cries she wants dinner right then. Morgan turns 2 on December 15th. We are going to do a combined party for her and Owen since their birthdays are two weeks apart. We are going to their grandma's house ont he 13th. Should be fun. We are slowly introducing Morgan to the potty. Wish us luck.
Lilyannah has been improving so much. She is so smart. I love hearing all the songs she learns at school. You can tell when they learn a new one, she spends all that day singing it. She got her first school pictures taken and that day I went to the school to help out. Her class is a bit large and I knew they could use the help. Lily is always so proud when I am there. Her manners are getting better and better all the time. She is still day time potty trained we are working on night time. She loves school and all that it entails. Just this month Lily cut her hair for the first time. I was soooo mad about it. I will laugh later I know, but I had to cut it really short to fix it. It looks ok. I cannot wait until it grows out.
So back in October we had a visitor. A cat came to our back door. I was leary of letting her in since Owen has skin issues and we are not sure what is the cause of it. However he has not had any reaction to her. The kids adore her and she is so much less maintenance then a dog. I am glad to have her as a part of our family. She is orange, black and white and we got her in October so thus her name is October. The kids call her kitty.
Last a couple of months ago I bit the bullet and started my own business. I now am the owner of MoLi's Mommy's Creations. I love doing it. I have some stuff listed on my etsy page http://www.pattock6.etsy.com/ , I will list a lot more after my show. I wish business would pick up. I do have a show on the 5th of December and that is how we are buying Christmas and birthday gifts for our kids. Lily turns 5 on February 12th. This year for the first time we chose a 5 year old little girl off a sharing tree. I am trying to show my kids that it is just as good to give as it is to receive. I was amazed how Lily and Owen picked stuff for her and didn't throw a fit about keeping it for themselves. My kids amaze me all the time.
So we have really done a lot this year, and I am currently working on repairing a relationship with my mother. I love her dearly and want her in my life as well as my kids' life. She is a wonderful person. Sometimes doesn't give herself credit for how strong she is. A lot of people tell me I am so much like her. I am glad to be, and wouldn't have it any other way.
I have had to let relationships go for the better of my sanity and my family. I have made friendships I never thought I would. I have made stronger friendships. I have watched several friends bring new additions into their lives. One of my best friends is finally having her 4th child a little girl and I cannot wait to see her. God is good for sure.
I pray all the time for many reasons and wanted to let everyone know each of you has situations on your plates that I have been sending prayers up for. I hope that God lightens many burdens and heals pain, lays wonderful opportunities in your paths.
Ok Well I am going to end this now. I will update about Christmas later. I just knew my blog was neglected and I wanted you all to know how things where going in the Pattock family. Have a great Holiday season.
Love,
US
We then had to move and although it wasn't something that we wanted to do, we held our heads high and moved from Rathdrum to Priest River. The house was tiny and no where near as big as we needed but it was home and we have worked hard to make in conferable for us. It is a two bedroom old milk house with a HUGE barn in the back.
In May time came to a stand still, as most pregnancies do. By this point, I was ginormous. I was in a lot of pain all the time. For the first time ever one of my feet swelled up like I broke it or something. Pregnancy is so weird. I couldn't fit in any of my shoes, I was grumpy in every way. I wanted to talk to no one and all I wanted was this baby out of me. So my doctor and I planned an induction date for many reasons. June 4th I walked in thanking God that this would be my last day ever pregnant. I was given two doses of meds in my cervix, did a lot of walking was very very very slowly dilating. The baby was not dropping down. I was so mad. They gave me pitocin full blown and contractions where coming like crazy. I was sooooo ready for this baby. In my mind I never thought my doctor would send me home. However that is what he did. Sent me home in full blown labor. Said if my water broke to come back. I was beyond upset. I called what was now the next day a few hours after leaving the hospital. I said when am I to come back? I can't even breath. I gathered all my strength to walk up and down the block and down water to get this baby to drop. The doctor said lets try one more time. So I came in Sunday. Now keep in mind I have been in labor since 9am Friday morning. So I was walking and doing squats, and all sorts of things. with full blown pitocin and between 4 and 5 cm. No meds at this point. The doc comes in to check me and I was having a contraction at the time he checked, so he said hand me the hook, I never thought I would love hearing those words. Now there was no sending me home. Two hours later we welcomed Robert Aaron Shane Pattock Jr. We call him Shane. The next morning I got my tubes tied. I got to have the four babies I wanted and was ready for the next phases of my life.
My recovery was harsh for the first couple of days but I am doing great now. Robert got a job at Lite house and that was a good deal for him. He has been there nearly 6 months now. He started the day Shane was born. He loves it there. He is always bringing home apply cider and different dressings.
We repainted the kitchen. We didn't have a big budget but I couldn't stand the green anymore. So we kinda gave it a face lift. I totally love it now. We rearranged some rooms and made things more livable for us here.
So as some of you know I have been struggling with cervical cancer cells, and having cryo surgeries and finally it became a real lesson in my life to value what I have. I was very uneducated as to what cervical cancer meant. I tell ya when the doc says you have ......cancer......all I heard was I might die. What I didn't know was that it was easily treated, and if I kept up on my medicine I would be ok. I am "ok" I don't have any more mass which is great. There has not been anymore growth right now. My meds make like a little weird sometimes. I get really tired, I get really forgetful, sometimes I even feel sick to my stomach. Those days are few but I still get them. However it feels good to say I beat cervical cancer.
So Robert started college and a lot of people are upset that I help him, but we all do what we have to do. I am proud of him. We are going to get a laptop for him this next coming months and we talked about him really doing this on his own.
So lets see run down of the kids.
Shane is a big boy and I totally love him to pieces he just got done breast feeding. I fed him the longest and it was a great go. Nearly 6 months. He is a very happy baby but do not make him wait to eat. He FINALLY gets the hang of eating baby food. He loves teething biscuits. When he is hungry he will scream his head off. Any other time he is a happy go lucky love bug.
Owen was tested for Autism and Aspergers (sp). I just wanted to make sure we have all that we need knocked out of the way. Owen has some issues and I want to help him in anyway I can. His first official day of preschool is on his 3rd Birthday. Just so happens that is their first day of school. So he will go two days a week. He is excited and I have to admit so am I. When he had his assessment for the autism screening he made me so proud he was focused the whole time. He amazed me how smart he is. Stuff he knew was amazing. Those who know my son know he doesn't talk much. So it was a great proud mommy moment for me.
Morgan has started to display on a smaller level some of Owen's issues so I have a home teacher coming to work with her and Robert and I. She is a little fire cracker and full of attitude. She has been to doing this weird thing every night. She stands next to me and wile I cook dinner and wants it NOW! She even cries she wants dinner right then. Morgan turns 2 on December 15th. We are going to do a combined party for her and Owen since their birthdays are two weeks apart. We are going to their grandma's house ont he 13th. Should be fun. We are slowly introducing Morgan to the potty. Wish us luck.
Lilyannah has been improving so much. She is so smart. I love hearing all the songs she learns at school. You can tell when they learn a new one, she spends all that day singing it. She got her first school pictures taken and that day I went to the school to help out. Her class is a bit large and I knew they could use the help. Lily is always so proud when I am there. Her manners are getting better and better all the time. She is still day time potty trained we are working on night time. She loves school and all that it entails. Just this month Lily cut her hair for the first time. I was soooo mad about it. I will laugh later I know, but I had to cut it really short to fix it. It looks ok. I cannot wait until it grows out.
So back in October we had a visitor. A cat came to our back door. I was leary of letting her in since Owen has skin issues and we are not sure what is the cause of it. However he has not had any reaction to her. The kids adore her and she is so much less maintenance then a dog. I am glad to have her as a part of our family. She is orange, black and white and we got her in October so thus her name is October. The kids call her kitty.
Last a couple of months ago I bit the bullet and started my own business. I now am the owner of MoLi's Mommy's Creations. I love doing it. I have some stuff listed on my etsy page http://www.pattock6.etsy.com/ , I will list a lot more after my show. I wish business would pick up. I do have a show on the 5th of December and that is how we are buying Christmas and birthday gifts for our kids. Lily turns 5 on February 12th. This year for the first time we chose a 5 year old little girl off a sharing tree. I am trying to show my kids that it is just as good to give as it is to receive. I was amazed how Lily and Owen picked stuff for her and didn't throw a fit about keeping it for themselves. My kids amaze me all the time.
So we have really done a lot this year, and I am currently working on repairing a relationship with my mother. I love her dearly and want her in my life as well as my kids' life. She is a wonderful person. Sometimes doesn't give herself credit for how strong she is. A lot of people tell me I am so much like her. I am glad to be, and wouldn't have it any other way.
I have had to let relationships go for the better of my sanity and my family. I have made friendships I never thought I would. I have made stronger friendships. I have watched several friends bring new additions into their lives. One of my best friends is finally having her 4th child a little girl and I cannot wait to see her. God is good for sure.
I pray all the time for many reasons and wanted to let everyone know each of you has situations on your plates that I have been sending prayers up for. I hope that God lightens many burdens and heals pain, lays wonderful opportunities in your paths.
Ok Well I am going to end this now. I will update about Christmas later. I just knew my blog was neglected and I wanted you all to know how things where going in the Pattock family. Have a great Holiday season.
Love,
US
Thursday, August 20, 2009
The Pattock family photo shoot.
I am proud to show off pictures taken by a wonderful friend of mine. She came up for our class reunion and was able to do pictures of my kids. I feel really blessed by this, over the last year she has improved so much. She really found her calling in life. I scored becuase what she did for me she really cut me a deal, (free). So many of you may have seen these already, but I will add more as she edits them and sends them to me. So first let me send you to her website. Because if you live in SLC UT, or the surrounding area's and need a photographer she is your gal.
http://www.rpluscphotography.com
If you have a facebook page hey have a page there too, you can be a fan of it. They are amazing. So add their page too. http://www.facebook.com/home.php?ref=home#/RplusCPhotography?ref=share
Ok so here are the pictures so far that Crystal took, as well as one I took of her taking pics of my kids. Can you believe these pictures where done in my livingroom? I can't wait to see what she has in store for the rest of the pictures. Enjoy!
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
so sorry
I have not had enough time in this life I now have to come here. It is amazing how having another baby really changes things. I have time and I do get to breath, but again, I don't. I am so tired at this point in my day, it is now 9:47pm and I thought what the hell I will type it out here, how my life is going for those who have not been up to date on the life of me. I found out i had a small mass on my cervix, and it got removed. YAY. My kids are great and my life has had some road bumps but over all things are going pretty good. We are working on life and getting through each hurdle. My high school reunion is this coming Saturday and I am sooo excited. So many old friends to visit with. I am going with my best friend who also graduated from my same high school. I can't wait to see her, She is also doing family pics for me and of my son. I am more excited for that. She is soooo good at it, it's sick. Anyhow, that's really all there is. life is as it should be, and that is all I can ask for. oh and maybe a million dollars but a good life right now I will prefer:)
Thursday, June 25, 2009
why didn't I take them to the park?
Tonight I put my kids to bed and was glad to do it.
I cannot tell you how eager I was for some me time.
At first I was so happy to hear the sounds of my new born breathing.
It's been so loud here all day it was music to my ears.
Then I started thinking about the sound of children and laughter, crying whining and love.
Today was one of those days where nothing was planned and all it came down to was getting passed every hour, till my husband came home, then every hour just to get them to bed. Why is it I couldn't wait for my kids to go to bed. I have nothing better to do. No errands to run, no bills to go pay, no food to go buy, laundry that HAD to be done, not a house to clean, or sleep to get. No one would be stopping by to offer me a helping hand, no doctor appointments where set up for the day. Why did I not take my kids to the park, it was nice out today. All I wanted was me time.
I start to cry. What is me time? Me is them. They are me. Being a mom is not about me anymore. People joke about never getting to go to the bathroom alone, but I really never get to go alone. There is no door to my bedroom or to the only bathroom in our bedroom. What I wouldn't give to pee in peace. Again I had kids, these are all the kids I wanted, I wanted these kids before I ever knew how to have them. So why did I not go to the park today? Why did I sit at home and watch the clock? I remember hoping that while I was pregnant that I didn't get post pardom depression, I forgot to ask God oh and please help me not to be lazy. I watched a movie with my husband tonight. and we didn't get to bed till almost midnight. the alarm for him went off at 2:30am and he was out of her right before 3am. I feel bad that I made him watch this movie with me. Here I sit at 3:30am. Feeling sorry for myself, well sorry that I made everyone a crappy dinner, sorry I didn't tell my husband to bed. Sorry that as you didn't already read we we didn't go to the park.
How do I get out of this lazy slump? How do I start to think of others rather then myself? How do I show my husband that him working is the greatest gift? How do I get energy? These are not questions I need answered so to speak. I know how to do them. I didn't say I was stupid. I know the advice I would give someone else. I just have to take it.
Well in a few hours my kids will be up. I am going to make pancakes, with fruit and apple juice. Get everyone diaper changed and dressed, shoes, brushed teeth and hair, and we are going to the park. Then home, I will make a wonderful lunch, play the clean up game with my kids, all take a nap, then do what they really love, mommy reads to them, play babies, cars and spider man, breast feed my youngest son when he needs it, and all gather around for that. A the while making something yummy in the slow cooker for dinner.
Then let my kids play out in the yard while I clean up, and hopefully then my husband will be home, let him nap, return the movie, do dinner, do some family hang out time, and then off to bed on or before 9pm. That is my plan for today. I think I need a plan. If I don't have it, I will be lazy and my kids deserve better than that.
I cannot tell you how eager I was for some me time.
At first I was so happy to hear the sounds of my new born breathing.
It's been so loud here all day it was music to my ears.
Then I started thinking about the sound of children and laughter, crying whining and love.
Today was one of those days where nothing was planned and all it came down to was getting passed every hour, till my husband came home, then every hour just to get them to bed. Why is it I couldn't wait for my kids to go to bed. I have nothing better to do. No errands to run, no bills to go pay, no food to go buy, laundry that HAD to be done, not a house to clean, or sleep to get. No one would be stopping by to offer me a helping hand, no doctor appointments where set up for the day. Why did I not take my kids to the park, it was nice out today. All I wanted was me time.
I start to cry. What is me time? Me is them. They are me. Being a mom is not about me anymore. People joke about never getting to go to the bathroom alone, but I really never get to go alone. There is no door to my bedroom or to the only bathroom in our bedroom. What I wouldn't give to pee in peace. Again I had kids, these are all the kids I wanted, I wanted these kids before I ever knew how to have them. So why did I not go to the park today? Why did I sit at home and watch the clock? I remember hoping that while I was pregnant that I didn't get post pardom depression, I forgot to ask God oh and please help me not to be lazy. I watched a movie with my husband tonight. and we didn't get to bed till almost midnight. the alarm for him went off at 2:30am and he was out of her right before 3am. I feel bad that I made him watch this movie with me. Here I sit at 3:30am. Feeling sorry for myself, well sorry that I made everyone a crappy dinner, sorry I didn't tell my husband to bed. Sorry that as you didn't already read we we didn't go to the park.
How do I get out of this lazy slump? How do I start to think of others rather then myself? How do I show my husband that him working is the greatest gift? How do I get energy? These are not questions I need answered so to speak. I know how to do them. I didn't say I was stupid. I know the advice I would give someone else. I just have to take it.
Well in a few hours my kids will be up. I am going to make pancakes, with fruit and apple juice. Get everyone diaper changed and dressed, shoes, brushed teeth and hair, and we are going to the park. Then home, I will make a wonderful lunch, play the clean up game with my kids, all take a nap, then do what they really love, mommy reads to them, play babies, cars and spider man, breast feed my youngest son when he needs it, and all gather around for that. A the while making something yummy in the slow cooker for dinner.
Then let my kids play out in the yard while I clean up, and hopefully then my husband will be home, let him nap, return the movie, do dinner, do some family hang out time, and then off to bed on or before 9pm. That is my plan for today. I think I need a plan. If I don't have it, I will be lazy and my kids deserve better than that.
Perfect mom
Am I hating life or is life hating me?
Am I looking past this blurry vison of who I want to be?
Am I trying to be more then what I see?
Who is this woman that they see in me?
Who is this mommy they keep calling me to be?
Who is this stranger I cannot see?
Will I find her in me somewhere?
Will she come out of me soon?
Will we meet up one day?
Can I pretend for now I have always been her
she is the woman I envision them needing
will people see right passed me
can they see my heart bleeding?
Am I looking past this blurry vison of who I want to be?
Am I trying to be more then what I see?
Who is this woman that they see in me?
Who is this mommy they keep calling me to be?
Who is this stranger I cannot see?
Will I find her in me somewhere?
Will she come out of me soon?
Will we meet up one day?
Can I pretend for now I have always been her
she is the woman I envision them needing
will people see right passed me
can they see my heart bleeding?
Thursday, June 4, 2009
I thought I would start a blog and save it as I go along to get all the details of all this baby stuff. I woke up to a phone call I missed, thinking it was my mom and almost didn't check it. It was a job offer for my husband. So we got dressed right away and he went to fill out paper work. He just got done telling me he was worried about not having a job and money issues and now having a new baby. Then he got a job offer. The day started out with a hit. Then we ran some errands and went to my friend Cassie's house. She is the one watching my kids and I wanted to hang out. I wore these shoes today that where not a good idea. As we walked my feet started to swell from the heat and weight. I started to get blisters and had to take them off. So we went to Cassie's early. It was nice to hang out with her and talk about all sorts of stuff. I was sweating all over so I took a shower at her house and it felt soooo good. I had no desire to eat because I was so hot. So we left her house around 5pm, and headed back to our house. The kids where eating dinner and we felt that it was best to sneak out. I kissed my kids goodbye and Lily was so excited for why I was leaving. Owen was eating and totally could have cared less and Mo was none the wiser. So Robert and I drove home and talked the whole time. He actually conversed with me. We got to the house and it was about 6pm, I was getting so excited and nervous. We looked for some last minute things we needed, and he took a shower. Then we jumped back in the car and stopped by the store and I got some ice cream sundae bars. I still wasn't hungry but didn't want to be told later I should have ate something. We got to the hospital about 7:40pm and did our registration and check in. Got to the room almost right at 8pm. They had to use a big gage needle and I have really bad veins so it was not easy to get this IV. 5 tries later and tada I have an IV FINALLY. Not but ten minutes later she was able to insert the cytotect which hurt like hell. That was 9:30pm. I have already had contractions before this so in the past hour and a half they have been stronger but not "painful" I was already contracting about 3-5 minutes so this is very tolerable. The anesthesiologist came in while I was getting my IV, it was a nice distraction. He and I talked about it, and I told him I was going to try to not get one, but I would cave and get one, and he is going to spend the night at the hospital so when I need it he will be ready. It is a small hospital and he lives a half hour away. So he said he would stay. What a nice guy. So I have to be strictly in bed for an hour after the pill is in, then three hours with the HB monitor on to make sure he is ok with this, and if things have not progressed by 3:30am, I get another dose. So here it is 11pm now, I am feeling good so far, and watching MADE on MTV. I said good night to Robert so he can go home and rest, and he will be back early in the morning. (there is no pull out couch here and we live not to far away that I couldn't call and he would be here fast, or better be) So, I will update when I have more to tell.
So the two inserted pills didn't do much and about 6:35am I started pitocin, I started on the lowest dose. My nurse told me at 7am I was 4cm and doc would be in at 7:30am to break my water, well he said nope your only 2cm, so up went my pitocin and no broken water. So I have been getting narcotic pain meds to smooth over the top of these contractions. At 11am I said more pain meds and call the epidural guy lets do this, the nurse calls my doctor and he says to wait until after he checks me at noon and he will see if I am progressed enough to break my water then I can have my epidural. I am not in a very good mood at this point. I am in tons of pain because now the pitocin is all the way up. OUCH!
At this point you would assume I would be telling you of my sons stats and how beautiful he is and thrilled I am to be done. Only this is where my world stopped. I am 3cm and he is still high. I cannot have my water broken until I am at least 4cm and he is down a bit more. From the legal and health stand point, I totally understand why. But after all the pain I went through and holding tight to not getting an epidural.(I was seconds away from getting one when my Ob doc said no, the epi guy was ready set up and waiting) My OB doc said lets turn off the Pitocin which had almost emptied by now anyhow, and put in another pill. I had to lay there for an hour and then again be monitored for three hours. When this all occurred it was noon. The nurse was like well you will be here till at least 6pm, a lot could happen. I layed there for two hours, the worst contractions ever, I was in tears and just trying to make it though each one. My husband came back in and since it was 2pm I was thinking in an hour and a half I was to have my tubal and I still hadn't had my baby. My kids where needing to be picked up. This was induction number 4 and I should have gone quick. So I asked the nurse to check me. I hadn't changed at all. That's when I lost it. I began sobbing and freaking out. I said go tell the doctor that I am not waiting four more hours I have to go get my kids. (My mother in law who said she couldn't watch the kids after Sunday suddenly couldn't watch my kids for my induction either but my friend was able to do it, and I felt so bad that I hadn't had him yet. She had things she had to do and I felt like what a waste. I called her right away as soon as I knew I was leaving and sobbed. She assured me she would help me when I had to go back. On my discharge instructions it said to come back on June 16th at 2:30pm to see my Doctor. Why is this date so far away? Well here is my luck, next week my doctor is going on the second vacation since he has been my doc in March. He did tell the nurse to assure me that should I deliver up until Friday he will come back in and deliver, no one else just me. (I am not sure if that makes me feel better) If I go into labor Saturday, Sunday, or Monday, he won't be able to do it he will be out of town. So I contracted like crazy all the way to my friends house and home. Ya know if anyone else felt this they would say holy cow I am in labor I should go in. So how am I to know when to go in? Now I am not going to be induced again. This induction was because I needed a plan, I didn't want to deliver alone. However my husband starts a new job Monday. We do have two cars but I will be in the delivery room with three kids, my husband a half hour away, and my friend an hour. I am a fighter and even though I bawled and sobbed and hated everyone with in ten feet of me since 2pm, I know in the end it will all work out. I just was so upset that I worked so hard and nothing to show for it. When I got home I rested for an hour, then went to the bathroom. Not once during any cervix check was there any blood on their gloves, and now I am having blood on my toilet paper go figure huh? So I thought lets put these contractions to work. I grabbed a bottle of water and went out side to walk. My block slops down a bit and I figured the incline and decline would help gravity. Then it starts to rain. I am so sure at this moment that I have had it with everything. I walk back to my house, reup on the water, and grab my husbands coat and go back out there and walked in the rain. It's the type of rain that is nice to walk in, it's warm outside and my need to get this baby out is stronger then being dry. So I finally feel that I have walked enough, came home and am now just trying to get through one contraction at a time. I was so upset earlier that I made my status message on facebook pretty blunt "I want to say, one thing, if your body isn't ready for an induction, not even when its your 4th, it won't happen. No matter how much medicine your given. I am really upset and not doing good. Baby won't drop down so I can get my water broken, I am being sent home. I knew things where going to good for my family. I am crying and in tons of pain. Please don't anyone message me with all in Gods hands or what ever! " I just don't need to hear he will come in his time, your almost done, yadda yadda yadda, that would have drove me over the edge I was already walking. So this is by far the longest I have EVER carried a baby. I will be 39 weeks tomorrow, and I am done. Here is to hoping that when my water does break that my husband is off work. At least I deserve that.
So the two inserted pills didn't do much and about 6:35am I started pitocin, I started on the lowest dose. My nurse told me at 7am I was 4cm and doc would be in at 7:30am to break my water, well he said nope your only 2cm, so up went my pitocin and no broken water. So I have been getting narcotic pain meds to smooth over the top of these contractions. At 11am I said more pain meds and call the epidural guy lets do this, the nurse calls my doctor and he says to wait until after he checks me at noon and he will see if I am progressed enough to break my water then I can have my epidural. I am not in a very good mood at this point. I am in tons of pain because now the pitocin is all the way up. OUCH!
At this point you would assume I would be telling you of my sons stats and how beautiful he is and thrilled I am to be done. Only this is where my world stopped. I am 3cm and he is still high. I cannot have my water broken until I am at least 4cm and he is down a bit more. From the legal and health stand point, I totally understand why. But after all the pain I went through and holding tight to not getting an epidural.(I was seconds away from getting one when my Ob doc said no, the epi guy was ready set up and waiting) My OB doc said lets turn off the Pitocin which had almost emptied by now anyhow, and put in another pill. I had to lay there for an hour and then again be monitored for three hours. When this all occurred it was noon. The nurse was like well you will be here till at least 6pm, a lot could happen. I layed there for two hours, the worst contractions ever, I was in tears and just trying to make it though each one. My husband came back in and since it was 2pm I was thinking in an hour and a half I was to have my tubal and I still hadn't had my baby. My kids where needing to be picked up. This was induction number 4 and I should have gone quick. So I asked the nurse to check me. I hadn't changed at all. That's when I lost it. I began sobbing and freaking out. I said go tell the doctor that I am not waiting four more hours I have to go get my kids. (My mother in law who said she couldn't watch the kids after Sunday suddenly couldn't watch my kids for my induction either but my friend was able to do it, and I felt so bad that I hadn't had him yet. She had things she had to do and I felt like what a waste. I called her right away as soon as I knew I was leaving and sobbed. She assured me she would help me when I had to go back. On my discharge instructions it said to come back on June 16th at 2:30pm to see my Doctor. Why is this date so far away? Well here is my luck, next week my doctor is going on the second vacation since he has been my doc in March. He did tell the nurse to assure me that should I deliver up until Friday he will come back in and deliver, no one else just me. (I am not sure if that makes me feel better) If I go into labor Saturday, Sunday, or Monday, he won't be able to do it he will be out of town. So I contracted like crazy all the way to my friends house and home. Ya know if anyone else felt this they would say holy cow I am in labor I should go in. So how am I to know when to go in? Now I am not going to be induced again. This induction was because I needed a plan, I didn't want to deliver alone. However my husband starts a new job Monday. We do have two cars but I will be in the delivery room with three kids, my husband a half hour away, and my friend an hour. I am a fighter and even though I bawled and sobbed and hated everyone with in ten feet of me since 2pm, I know in the end it will all work out. I just was so upset that I worked so hard and nothing to show for it. When I got home I rested for an hour, then went to the bathroom. Not once during any cervix check was there any blood on their gloves, and now I am having blood on my toilet paper go figure huh? So I thought lets put these contractions to work. I grabbed a bottle of water and went out side to walk. My block slops down a bit and I figured the incline and decline would help gravity. Then it starts to rain. I am so sure at this moment that I have had it with everything. I walk back to my house, reup on the water, and grab my husbands coat and go back out there and walked in the rain. It's the type of rain that is nice to walk in, it's warm outside and my need to get this baby out is stronger then being dry. So I finally feel that I have walked enough, came home and am now just trying to get through one contraction at a time. I was so upset earlier that I made my status message on facebook pretty blunt "I want to say, one thing, if your body isn't ready for an induction, not even when its your 4th, it won't happen. No matter how much medicine your given. I am really upset and not doing good. Baby won't drop down so I can get my water broken, I am being sent home. I knew things where going to good for my family. I am crying and in tons of pain. Please don't anyone message me with all in Gods hands or what ever! " I just don't need to hear he will come in his time, your almost done, yadda yadda yadda, that would have drove me over the edge I was already walking. So this is by far the longest I have EVER carried a baby. I will be 39 weeks tomorrow, and I am done. Here is to hoping that when my water does break that my husband is off work. At least I deserve that.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)